Alexander John Robertson for Clydebank & Milngavie MSP
Recent Activity
MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO
Statement to the Clydebank Post on "Education" - (21/4/21)
EDUCATION, Education, Education. Sorry, I failed Higher Inglish in Secondary School and I like to make sure I spell long words correctly. My vision for the current Curriculum for Excrement used in our young people's learning is a simple yet vicious overhaul of the entire system, rebranding it to the Curriculum for Excellence. Let’s scrap learning French, partly because we can’t go to France and partly because Macron dissed the Astra-Zeneca Vaccine. Woodwork is out the window cause I’ve never had a teacher that didn’t reek of BO. We don’t need to study Religious and Moral Education anymore because we all know there’s only one true god; Baby Yoda.
Let’s hit the weans with a blast of new subjects to learn, how about; How to be an Influencer 101, How to be as valid as Alexander John Robertson 101, How to lie to Parliament and get away with it because you’ve got a funny hair piece 101. These will provide essential skills to the young team, and maybe they’ll vote for proper politicians instead.
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Statement to the Clydebank Post on the "Constitution" - (14/4/21)
THEY TURNT THE WEANS AGAINST ME. A consistent theme of my campaign is REJECT. I REJECT Labour & the Lib Dem's proposals for a federal UK with a codified constitution. Why don't we already have a codified constitution? Isn’t it obvious? In 2004’s classic hit film, National Treasure, starring Nicolas Cage as protagonist Ben Gates, the US Constitution is stolen. Can we allow that in Scotland? Absolutely not. If we have our constitution spread out over several Parliamentary Acts, unlike the single document US Constitution, then it will be much harder to have the whole constitution printed into one single document, making it impossible to steal. National security and constitutional policy answered in a single, swift move. Two birds with one stone. If our constitution is harder to steal, then it will protect Scottish democracy from Gypsie/Traveller haters like Murray Ross. I think for one thing that the Garage nightclub should be nationalised, the amount of spilled alcohol on the floor in there would fill more barrels than the North Sea ever could.
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Campaign Pitch to the Milngavie & Bearsden Herald - 12/4/21
"MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY. Wow. How powerful a statement. Hi, my name is Alexander Robertson and I'm running for MSP representing the Clydebank & Milngavie constituency and I think it's safe to say I am certifiably the dankest candidate available. Has there not been enough drama in Holyrood for your liking? Why not vote for me then? They fear Big Chungus in the Scottish Parliament. Some other policies of mine include; the Revival of 'Dick and Dom in the Bungalow' and the Demolition of the Cumbernauld Shopping Centre (what an eyesore). If you don't want policies like those, do you know how love feels? I represent the disenfranchised in my constituency, those that wish their politics wasn't a weekly soap opera. The SNP are having a civil war, the Tories forgot they're not actually the villains from Oliver Twist and "Only the Lib Dems can win here" is drivel, you gonna ask them guys to keep going? Nah, vote for me, I'll dae it myself.
I represent folks like Luke who's an aspiring actor and spends his time collecting Pokemon cards and Pizza boxes. Folks like Douglas who's about to propose to his long term love interest, Liz. Folks like Kerry who's a fan of Tion Wayne and is a Yute. Folks like Kirstie who's always on a jolly. Folks like Vedant who's spirit animal is Jabba the Hutt. I represent those people who push the limit and feel the desire to scrub the system. Do you?"
Statement to the Clydebank Post on "Climate Change" - 08/04/21
"‘RETURN TO MONKEY’ has been my campaign’s slogan since the dawn of time and I feel it truly embodies the nature and paramount of the current situation. Someone left the stove on in the Amazon and California had one too many Gender Reveal Parties, and at this point I think people seriously need to consider calling it quits when it comes to denying that Climate Change isn’t happening. Like it was snowing the other day…. in March… What’s that all about?
If YouTube Influencers such as Mr. Beast can lead today's youth in inspiring fashion to support the Planet (Earth) then why can’t we? The man in question managed to fund the planting of twenty-two MILLION trees in Oregon, which is the best use of trees on YouTube I’ve seen in a long time, ‘cough cough’ Logan Paul. If elected, I promise to plant at least 100 Bananas Trees in public places. I would do more, but I’m only one man and my back’s sore half the time. Remember the three R’s: REJECT, RECYCLE, RETURN."
- Alexander Robertson, candidate for Clydebank & Milngavie, 2021 Scottish Election
Clydebank Post Statement on "Health Issues"Â Â Â Â Â Â - 01/04/21
"I’m a firm believer that if something’s not working, fix it. So it’s of my opinion that we should abolish the NHS, scrap everything and demolish the current hospitals and medical practices and replace it with NHS 2.0: Electric Boogaloo. It’s safe to say every government body in the UK failed us when it took a war veteran to raise money for basic payment for the service and the livelihoods of the Doctors and Nurses working there in these dangerous times. We need to start again, raise the pay of everyone risking their lives to save others and construct hot tubs (and other relaxation facilities) in each and every hospital exclusively for the staff.
The vaccine being released to the public is a scientific marvel, and I highly encourage everyone to get it when offered, not for your own benefit, but just so we outsell those Communists. A vaccine passport? How does a passport get vaccinated? I don’t get it either. As of writing this, I am yet to receive either of my jags but I can guarantee I will jump at the opportunity when it arrives. Who doesn’t want to get back to the pub? Enjoying the summer, cracking a cold one open with the boys, sitting there with my vaccinated passport."
- Alexander Robertson, candidate for Clydebank & Milngavie, 2021 Scottish Election
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